Season 2: The Soft Stuff That’s Actually the Hard Stuff
Week 3: The Absolute Joy of Cancelling Plans
So far in this season we’ve learned that:
- Missing Tupperware lids test your resilience (and your patience).
- Lending a pen tests your respect for boundaries.
Now we move into something more guilty and glorious: the strange, universal joy of cancelling plans.
The Secret Thrill
We’ve all been there. Three weeks ago you said yes to Friday night drinks. At the time, you imagined yourself as the life of the party, pint in hand, full of witty anecdotes.
Fast forward to Friday. You’re knackered. Your “going-out jeans” now qualify as “emergency circulation cut-off jeans.” And the thought of Darren’s new kitchen extension makes you want to fake your own death.
Then it happens. The text arrives: “Sorry, can we reschedule?”
Relief floods your body. The joy is almost indecent. You are free. You didn’t know how much you dreaded the plan until it disappeared.
And here’s the kicker: this isn’t just you being antisocial. It’s neuroscience.
Why Cancelling Feels So Good
- Dopamine Spike
Relief is rewarding. Cancelling triggers a dopamine release in the brain, the same circuitry that lights up when you win a small bet or dodge an unexpected bill (Berridge & Kringelbach, Neuron, 2015). - Cognitive Offloading
Your brain treats pending plans like open Chrome tabs. They drain energy even when they’re not active. Cancelling closes a tab and frees up working memory (Masicampo & Baumeister, Psychological Science, 2011). - Control Restored
Even when you made the plan, your brain can feel trapped by it. Cancelling reminds your prefrontal cortex: “We’re in charge again.” (Deci & Ryan, Self-Determination Theory, 2017 update). - Energy Economics
Humans are energy accountants. If the social return doesn’t justify the cost, your body pushes for retreat (Hofmann et al., Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 2016). Cancelling is your inner accountant saying: “Nope. Not worth it.”
Culture and Cancelling
- Sweden – Mys (cosy time) makes cancelling aspirational. Staying in with candles and socks is basically a national sport.
- Mexico – Cancelling last minute? Social disaster, unless it’s family. Otherwise, you’re branded as flaky.
- Japan – Cancelling is loss of face. Expect long apologies, deep bows, and maybe a gift.
- UK – We invent absurd excuses. “Sorry, can’t make it — my goldfish has a dentist appointment.” Just say you’re knackered. We all know anyway.
And yes, the North/South divide applies here too. In the North, you can just say “nah, can’t be arsed” and everyone understands. In London, you need a spreadsheet of excuses and a forged doctor’s note.
The Dark Side of Cancelling
But here’s the flip side. Cancelling feels amazing — until it becomes a habit.
Psychologists call this avoidance coping (Carver & Connor-Smith, Annual Review of Psychology, 2010). In the short term, it reduces stress. In the long term, it shrinks your world.
Too much cancelling means fewer stories, fewer connections, fewer chances. Nobody ever tells their grandkids about the night they stayed in and binge-watched four hours of Bake Off. They tell them about the night Darren set his shirt on fire with sambuca.
Why This Matters More Than Ever (Phones, Again)
Here’s the modern twist: cancelling is no longer about honesty. It’s about ghosting. We don’t say “I’m not coming.” We just ignore the invite, hide behind a screen, and call it “rescheduling.”
The science? Avoidance-by-phone spikes cortisol for longer than facing the discomfort directly (Sheppes et al., Emotion, 2014). Your amygdala stays agitated because the brain knows the unfinished business is still lurking.
Translation: cancelling properly is healthier than cancelling by disappearing. Your brain actually recovers faster when you tell the truth.
Four Hard Takeaways from Cancelling Plans
1. Check the Balance Sheet
- With plans: Ask: “Will this drain or fuel me?” Cancel the drains. Keep the fuels.
- In life: Audit your commitments. If half your week is energy-draining nonsense, you’re running on empty.
2. Use Cancelling as Feedback
- With plans: Keep cancelling the same stuff? That’s data. You don’t value it. Stop pretending you do.
- In life: Notice recurring dread. It’s a clue you’re off-track with your priorities.
3. Cancel Well
- With plans: Honesty beats daft excuses. “Sorry, I’m done in. Can we reschedule?” earns more respect than “My Wi-Fi caught fire.”
- In life: Boundaries with kindness. People don’t need drama. They need clarity.
4. Don’t Let Cancelling Become Default
- With plans: Sometimes drag yourself out. You’ll often be glad you did.
- In life: Avoidance shrinks your world. Growth lives in discomfort. Choose it occasionally, or you’ll miss out.
The Big Lesson Under the Plan
Cancelling isn’t sin. It’s a signal. It shows you what you value, how you use your energy, and whether you’re living by choice or avoidance.
The joy is real. The relief is real. But so is the risk. If every plan you make becomes another plan you cancel, then all you’re left with is an empty diary and the creeping suspicion that Netflix is your best mate.
So by all means cancel — but cancel consciously. Cancel for sanity, not by default. Cancel to protect your energy, not to avoid living.
From Cancelling to Connecting
Next week: The Strange Power of Talking to Strangers.
Why a two-minute chat with a taxi driver can boost your mood more than a dinner party with people you actually know.
